Self-Hatred
The difference between depression and psychopathy is hating yourself. Depression for most people is like a deep, persistent but conscious state of sadness. Psychopathy is depressed experienced in denial. Narcissism over-rides self-empathy and the ego denies the emotional self. The ego is a projection of how we should be as a person - how we want the world to see us. Whereas the emotional self (Moon) is our actual identity. It is our weaknesses and vulnerabilities that make us who we are, by denying all of these "negative aspects" of the self, the narcissist actually falls in love with the idea of himself while actually throwing his real self directly into hell. A narcissist is a soul held hostage to the ego. A narcissist is more concerned with what people think of him than how he actually feels about himself. A true narcissist has abandoned feeling in favour of thought, because through thought he can create his own reality. The true narcissist is a willing delusional who is able to command his delusion into reality. ...by completely denying the possibility of questioning his reality. A true narcissist is a loner. They "can never stand to have intimacy because it threatens their view of themselves as unique" (Sam Vaknin), --- A relationship with a narcissist is a hostage situation When a narcissist becomes depressed, it is not a sad event. There are no tears. There is only denial. Rather than reach out for help, and admit vulnerability and embrace intimacy, the narcissist becomes desperate and seeks out connection without the fear of intimacy. A narcissist becomes a sex or 'love' addict. They hop from partner to partner (sexual or beyond) and seek intimate connection while still in denial of themselves. They continue to keep up their act and refuse to show vulnerability, always remaining in control at all times of the relationship, often thinking several steps ahead in manipulative ways to retain their sense of control. All to ensure that they are safe to continue pursuing intimacy without their ego being threatened. The whole thing is akin to a hostage situation. The individual is like a slave being permitted a wife from his master, but the master keeping a constant eye on him. --- A slave-master relationship is not a relationship of love. The slave hates his master, and that is the true feeling of a narcissist. A slave trapped inside his own body, screaming for help internally but lacking the courage to ever defy his master. To break character. To admit vulnerability. The closest they ever get is on those drunken nights with the girls who start to stir up all of their issues and with their inhibitions down the narcissist might yell or punch a wall and scream as he breaks a bone (the most sincere emotional display she's ever seen or heard from him). In a really good relationship, he might even cry. But none of it matters. Because no matter what, he'll wake up one day in the next weeks or months and his master will have realised the threat that she poses to him. The ego will not allow its own destruction. It will plant seeds in the slave's head and the narcissist-slave will think "things are getting so serious...", "are you sure you like her?", and before long he'll have moved on. The crack in his mask and the glimpse of a real human will soon be just another line in the book of failed relationships that he's left in his wake. --- The Awakening? Until one day, the slave awakens. The narcissist starts changing life around and notices that he's actually enjoying himself for once. Actually starts to feel good about himself... and NOT for who he is pretending to be, but for who he actually is. Starts to realise who the true self is and that the ego was never him to begin with, but rather was how he thought the world wanted him to be. Realises he has been living as a slave to somebody else's expectations. A somebody that doesn't even exist. To find out that you have been kept a slave for so long only to turn around for once, face the man controlling you, the man with the gun at your back forcing you.... and you find smoke... A ghost. A figment of your own head. You've been playing a game where you've lived as an idea in the mind of a mind that doesn't even exist. A persona. The ego is an echo. The self projects and the ego is the image. The ego is the slave of the owner, if the owner has will. But the narcissist gave up, they became willing slaves to their own self-image. It was a conscious decision at the time but over time he forgot. When a person becomes depressed, they lose perspective, they forget all the positive things they once knew and become solely absorbed in a set of beliefs that have given up on hope of ever getting out. That is the real difference between "sadness" and depression... Depression is a hole so deep that you can't see back out. Sadness is a long hump in an otherwise stable road, while depression is a sink hole 4 metres deep and a groggy man in an upside-down car at the bottom, ears ringing in a faint distant way as the worlds sways in and out of focus, and words and sounds from outside the hole pass his mind, barely intelligible. When a narcissist wakes up in this hole, they have emotional amnesia. He doesn't remember how he got there. All he knows is that he's not allowed to call anyone for help. He loosens his seatbelt, pushes the airbag away and slides out the upside-down door to crawl into the pot-hole and away from his crumpled car. He waits. (Finish this later, here are notes) - Start again from the bottom up. Hide the subtext in the text, just tell the story of the amnesiac and weave the narcissism/depression stuff in as part of the short story's payoff. Car crash story plans - Make it surreal. He starts of feeling sane, and expecting a car to come by any second, but refuses to call anyone for help (no reception for internet + doesn't have the number for his insurer + doesn't wamt to call his family and look stupid) - So instead he just waits for a car, thinks he'll get a lift to the nearest town and then call his insurer from there. - He sits down, after feeling a bit light-headed. Reminds himself to keep listening for cars, but rests his eyes for now. - Wakes up in the middle of the night, cold. shit, how did nobody wake him up? Why has no one noticed this 3 m hole that just formed in this fucking country highway? - Cold, and pissed off. Cursing the fucking road that brought him there, but is too mad to even put on a jumper once he remembers his trunk is in the boot. Goes back to sleep with no jumper to wait til morning (no more cars this late, his phone says it's 3am) - Puts on some music to help him sleep, because it's so cold. - Wakes up to hear the music still playing "shit, it was on repeat". Phone battery at 2%. - etc. -- Point is he has no phone now and is completely lost in wonderland from here on, so now it can get surreal. - He tries to climb out in the morning, but even when he jumps from the end of the up-turned car closest to the wall, he is still about a foot shy: "how the fuck did this get here?!" - After a time, people start appearing, but they are exaggeratedly annoying (possibly due to his patience being so low after the cold night) and indifferent to his situation (partly because he's being an asshole, but also surreal in the context of his described situation). - A lot of people drive right past, and don't even notice him. Some slow down to avoid his hole as he yells out at them, but their windows are always up and they don't see him down there - screaming for help - The road isn't busy, he gathers it's only used by people leaving the small town it connects to, which clearly doesn't happen often. Only a few people in the whole day ever stop: - The first guy maybe makes an excuse (sorry, I'm running late, but I can try to remember to call the fire department or something? - the man gets pissed off) - In between, a car orr twoo go past and don't see him. (He's starting to wonder if he's invisible), but then a kid points at him and laughs, his parents completely oblivious dad looking at gps as he casually goes around the sinkhole. - The second person could be an older woman, who's a bit air-headed and he gets impatient, then she drives off in a huff. - Eventually he vows that if he can get out of there, he'll do anything. He screams it in anger as the night becomes cold again (still too stubborn to grab his shirt) - etc. - Hearing the scream, a guy on a motorbike comes. - Impatient, the guy says "hey! gimme a hand outta here" and raises his hand. - The guy pauses, then lowers his sunglasses, notices something and smiles. - Reaches down and grabs the man's hand just past his thumb and says "nice watch". - He notices the watch (a pretty expensive one that he saved up to buy) and the look in the bikie's face. - Bikie - - Ending? Something where he ends up becoming a psychopath, seeing this as his chance to "get out" but ends up killing himself. During the fight, someone gets thrown against the car and a clang is heard as the boot opens. Eventually the man gets his head smashed against the car, and starts to really embrace the psycho, he smashes a window with the bikie's head (helmet still on) and then snaps off a big shard from the edge to swing at the bikie's throat! - But the bikie dodges and next thing he's tackled - As he's bleeding out, he sees the bikie get up, tries to jump on the car to get back out (the man almost laughs, but ends up just coughing up more blood)., it's still enough to catch the bikie's attention as he turns around, but then he turns back - to the suitcase. - He grabs the suitcase (quite a sturdy big one), and lies it on top of the car, giving him just enough height to hoist himself up and back out to his bike. - Regret - Moral of the story being the man chose pride (the watch) over acceptance (the suitcase of clothes to keep him warm). - Allegory for narcissistic depression = psychopathy. - He made the decision to give up on himself out of pride. Both when he chose not to call his family and when he refused to go open the suitcase. Category:Psychology Category:Narcissism Category:Depression